Sunday, 13 April 2014

heaven is a place where nothing ever happens

Its half past ten at night, I feel tired and irritable and I think I might have broken my nose, but I felt like I should post something on here, even if just to clear my head/post these pictures which have been sitting around in my drafts for god knows how long. After nearly a year of writing on here, I have no idea what this blog actually is but I like it better the closer it reflects my general mood/current train of thoughts.

hair bow I made myself
necklace - topshop
earrings - a vintage shop I found on holiday
top - meadham kirchoff for topshop
jeans - topshop/customized by me
boots - new look from about 4 years ago
I seem to be in between a lot of things at the moment. We are in the process of moving house, which is simultaneously super exciting cos we'll be in a town for the first time ever but also weird because I have lived here for 11 years. I'm going to be moving properly away very soon as well, so I don't feel settled where I am at all. I feel like I should be going somewhere, but there is so much tying me down.

favourite skirt (from brat + suzie) which I only just got round to mending + wearing again
Exams are so near, but I can't work for them. Not when I resent the fact that they are making me feel guilty about doing stuff I love, or feeling relaxed, and making me feel I should be cramming my head full of information I won't need to know in a few months time. People keep telling me that I should look forward to what doing well will lead to, but I'm finding it near enough impossible to link revising and potential freedom in my head.  

close up of the cutest pattern ever
In the summer I will definitely dedicate more time to this blog. I hate that I don't have the energy to put real effort into these posts, or exploring other blogs, but I just don't at the moment. But after 23rd of june, I will have all the time in the world to pour our my mind onto here. Which may/may not be a bad thing. I'll figure that out when it happens
these irregular choice shoes were only £5 on ebay which makes me slightly concerned but they make me feel super regal so I'm prepared to disregard their potentially dodgy origins
In other equally thrilling news, I now have twitter. I feel I need some other people on there apart from people at school whom I find slightly irritating, so if any of you lovely readers wish to follow my every move you can do so here
I have no words for how happy this jumper makes me. whenever you feel sad, I strongly advise wearing clothing with extravagant wildlife on it

Tuesday, 8 April 2014

reinvention/dinner parties

Last night my friend had her late 18th birthday party, and I was sat in the middle of an overly long table between two groups of people whom I used to go to school with. On my right, two people I would consider some of my closest friends as well as a girl I can't stand, whose foghorn like voice kept shouting out ignorant opinions which made me wince. On my left, several people I haven't seen in a while, one of whom I used to be very close with, but having not seen her in months I have no idea what to say to her, and we didn't speak for the whole night. Three of them kept having conversations about feminism and life and other stuff which I desperately wanted to join in on, but felt like I couldn't because I have never been very close to them and I felt like it would be intrusive or weird to suddenly start saying things about something they think I have no interest in. I spent a lot of the evening drinking and staring blankly at a wall, wishing I wasn't so scared about saying what I really think so I could talk to the people I want to, while my friends periodically asked if I was ok. In some ways, this is why I'm so desperate to leave. I want not to reinvent myself, but to be more like myself around other people, just so I can be with like minded people who like me even though they know me, something I have so far failed miserably to do in any friendship group I have ever been in. But there's a pessimistic little voice at the back of my head, which tells me I will always be like this, always stuck on the outside, unable to commit to anyone who interests me, and moulding myself around whoever I end up with.

Saturday, 29 March 2014

lions and tigers come running just to steal your love

I haven't really written anything on here about what I have been doing with my life, because I felt like I had nothing different to say, apart from the usual oh-my-god-I-have-so-much-work-what-is-my-future. However, thanks to actual physical events happening in my life recently, I feel I am in a position to actually write shit about myself.
On Wednesday I travelled up to Edinburgh to go to an open day for the university, although I had basically decided that it was going to be one of my choices, I felt like doing something completely out of my normal routine and travel into a different country by myself when I should have been at school. The city is beautiful, although I didn't get much of a chance to explore it, the bits I noticed as I rushed around trying to find the talks I was meant to be going to were nice.

I managed to find time to visit an art gallery owned by the university, which was really good. They had an exhibition on the Celtic revival in Scotland, where in the 19th/20th centuries people reproduced celtic themed art and books. It was kind of bizarre to look at, because although they were clearly trying to imitate Celtic art the pictures looked kind of overly bright, and the people in them slightly like disney characters, with huge bright eyes and delicate features. I quite liked the garish nature of them though
They also had an exhibition on false memories, which was really interesting. There was an entire wall covered in pictures of ufo sightings but with the ufos erased, which I spent ages looking at, as well as a film of several different people recounting the same false memory. The whole thing was weirdly relaxing, and I spent ages wandering round looking at all the slideshows they had running of altered pictures.

I also went to the national museum of Scotland very briefly. They had a room full of stuffed animals, which I always find fascinating and entertaining, if a little disconcerting. Like at what point did someone decide that wandering round a room full of dead dangerous animals was a fun, family activity? They also had a room about time and space. I hated physics at school, but astronomy was the one bit I found actually fascinating, and they had all these different time pieces and beautiful telescopes set out in a dark room. Whenever I feel overly caught up in myself, I like to go outside in the dark and look at the stars, just to remind myself that actually my problems are very tiny compared to the rest of the universe.
The train journey to and from Edinburgh was pretty long, so I got a lot of reading done.I finished the summer book, by Tove Jansson, who wrote the moomin books which I loved when I was younger, and this is one of her adult books.
Reading this made me feel like for once I want summer to come along. Each chapter in it reads almost like a separate story, each based around a different event and Sophie and her grandmother's reaction to it. It's kind of philosophical, but also really funny, and oddly relateable even though most people don't spend their summer holidays on a scandinavian island.
Some of the music I listened to on the train journey there, while watching the hills and sea go by and inwardly squealing when I saw lambs.
I have recently rediscovered the red hot chili peppers. I love the summery lazy feel to their music. Listening to it makes me feel like I should be taking a road trip around America in a beaten up old truck, and lying in the sun
All these things made me realise how desperate I am for summer. Normally I dread the season of heat, forced fun and disappointed expectations, but my life has been so pressured and hectic for the past several months that the idea of having absolutely nothing to do sounds like heaven. I can't wait until I have enough free time that I don't have to choose between slobbing out in front of the tv eating yogurt, and doing stuff I find interesting and fulfilling, like blogging, discovering new music and editing clothes. Also I would really love to meet up with other bloggers. I was going to in february but failed miserably at that, but I will force myself to get round to it in summer.

Monday, 24 March 2014

Liebster take 2

Okay so this is my second Liebster post, after Anna at Lilliputian lilac nominated me and because I am a horribly lazy blogger whose ability to think of an original post has been absolutely exhausted, I am going to do this yet again.

11 facts about me:

1. I have 4 piercings - both earlobes and and 2 in my left ear cartilage
2. I live in fear of the day my sister will be taller than me, which she inevitably will be
3. this actually isn't my first blog. I had one when I was about 11 and I wrote about crafts I have no idea what happened to it
4. I am running out of space for my ever expanding collection of nail polishes
5. I regret not being good at physics. I think it would be a cool thing to pursue
6. I want to dye my hair pink, but thanks to my school and its dumb rules I can't until I have left
7. I hate when people think that people who don't do well in exams are stupid, when actually there are ways of being intelligent without being good at the often pointless stuff we study at school
8. my longest fingernail has a total length of 19mm, which I am far too proud of
9. My bedroom is so small that I can't stand up straight in there
10. I still haven't figured out how I feel about wedge trainers
11. I was home schooled for 2 years when I was about 12. I don't regret it at all, but I do try and avoid telling people because they often have a lot of dumb questions to ask about it like 'did you have to wear uniform!?!?!?!'

Anna's questions

1. If you could be any kitchen utensil (ie. blender, spoon etc) what would you be? - I would be one of those kitchen utensils that you don't know what it does or why you brought it, but you did and it stays in the back of a drawer

2. If you could bring one book, one album, and one movie with you to a desert island, what would they be? - ooooh tricky. I think I would the his Dark Materials trilogy as a book, the princess bride as a film and the first arctic monkeys album because they are all things which make me feel nostalgic and at home

3. Where is your favourite place on Earth? - the internet

4. If you could be any animal, which animal would you be? - an owl. I am basically nocturnal anyway, and wings would be pretty cool

5. What is your favourite dessert? - cheesecake. no question

6. Which person, living or dead, would you most like to have dinner with? - someone who wouldn't be freaked out by the alarming speed at which I consume food, which narrows the field considerably. also they would have to be content to eat takeaway in front of the tv, because restaurants make me feel nervous, and would ideally share my enthusiasm for rabbits and amy poehler

7. What is your favourite time of day? - anytime when it is dark or nearly dark

8. What do think you will be doing 20 years from now? - hopefully not a fishmonger or living in the countryside. ideally in New York, in a job I like surrounded by people I like. the idea of not getting married or having children doesn't really bother me

9. Which person in your life makes you the happiest? - whoever invented processed cheese

10. What is your favourite ice cream flavor? - chocolate chip

11. Why did decide to start a blog? - because thanks to my crippling shyness, this is the only way I can express most of my feelings and opinions without panicking.

My questions -

1. If you could change one aspect of your personality, what would it be?
2. Do you consider yourself a feminist?
3. What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?
4. If your house was burning down, what is the one item you would save?
5. are you scared of spiders?
6. do you prefer large or small groups of people?
7. do you believe in god?
8. if you had to spend the rest of your life with one person, who would that be?
9. favourite smell?
10. do you like your name?
11. what do you think is the most interesting aspect of yourself?

People I tag (and yes I realise I haven't tagged 11 people, but I am writing this in a history lesson and the longer I take doing this the more likely it is that my teacher will realise I'm not doing her essay)

Cecily and/or Gwendolen

Saturday, 15 March 2014

grand budapest hotel film review

So I went to see The Grand Budapest Hotel the other day. I had never seen one of Wes Anderson's films before so I had pretty much no idea what to expect

I really enjoyed it. The entire film, from the dialogue to the overall aesthetic, had a very meticulous and swift feel to it, and despite the odd and sometimes disorientating jumping back through time. However the way the various threads were kept together with the occasional narration of those who were telling them meant that the film seemed to me at least to weave together very beautifully. The set design and the costumes are all absolutely intricately beautiful, ranging from garish colours in the titular hotel and on the guests themselves to the dull greys of the prison and its inmates, which still manage to look beautifully coordinated somehow. The characters are all brilliantly played, although I admit I got way too excited about Tilda Swinton playing an elderly rich widow, and Tony Revolori has made my mental list of people my age whom I admire but who make me feel very inadequate, alongside Lorde and Tavi Gevinson.  

Sunday, 9 March 2014

woah what are YOU doing here

Okay so recently a worrying number of people from my school have started blogging. And because most normal people won't realise why this seemingly innocuous fact is currently weighing down on my mind I am going to explain why.

99.99% of the stuff I write on here is stuff I don't and probably couldn't say to my friends, family, or just about anyone I know in real life. I generally like to keep a fairly low profile at school and at home, and I will go to ridiculous measures to avoid conflict of any kind. Thus, this blog is the only place I can vent my bottled up feelings and opinions without annoying or offending anyone, and so I have told absolutely no one that I do this. Not even people I would consider close friends.

And like many other people, I have deluded myself into thinking that this blog is entirely private and secret despite the fact that literally anyone at all can look at it because it is, like, on the internet. I get people from halfway across the world reading some of the stuff I write and yet until recently I was incredibly confident that no one I know would ever happen upon this blog.

Although actually to be honest it was fairly unlikely that any of my friends would find this. Unless they suddenly got the urge to google 'whimsical procrastination' (and yes, I have googled my own blog/name to check how find-able it is/I am, and yes, I am quite neurotic) which I don't think anyone in the entire history of the internet has ever done, let alone anyone I know. Also, my CTRL-tab reflex is inhumanely fast, due to the amount of time I spend blogging at school, and having to quickly pretend to be looking at emails whenever anyone walks past.  

But now, with an ever growing number of links to other people's blogs appearing on my facebook newsfeed, I am suddenly starting to worry - what if someone does find this? What will happen? Will I be confronted by an angry mob when I go into school the next day wanting to burn me for witchcraft because I have mentioned feminism on here? Or will maybe a few people in my class be annoyed that I called them boring? Or both?!?! Will I have to move country and create a false identity? I don't know. I might just keep a low (internet) profile for a while, at least until everyone I know gets bored of blogging, or until I move out, whichever happens first.

Thursday, 6 March 2014

first things first I'm the realest

I'm pretty sure I've already expressed my love for Iggy Azalea somewhere on this blog already, but she just released this video and I'm kinda hyperventilating because a) the song is incredible and makes me want to sass walk absolutely everywhere and b) the video is amazing, and a tribute to clueless which is I film I haven't seen but feel like I should? Anyway the video contains all the style inspiration I need for the rest of my life, and reaffirmed my love for extravagant hair accessories.

I never realised I could love a suit so much

I wish my entire wardrobe was made of mohair


Is it okay to lust after sportswear even though I hate sport

double plaid that is all
I kinda feel like this song taps into how I'm feeling right now. I feel frustrated and slightly trapped, which has culminated in a brattish outlook/attitude, especially at school. I'm in a stage of feeling like my life is going in a direction I don't want it to go in, as in going to university and then working super hard and being good until I die. I feel irritated that I am having to be sensible and focused and hard working when actually all I want to do is be stupid and laugh and do dumb things. Sometimes I panic that I've totally missed out on having a rebellious phase, something I want to be doing now, when I should be getting my head down. Summer can't come quick enough.

I want this skirt reeeeal bad