Monday, 15 September 2014


so in my last post i mentioned possibly creating a zine and you were all so nice and positive and i can now reveal *drum roll* that Mind Porridge (because thats what i decided to call it no h8 ok) is now calling for submissions on the tumblr page, where there is an outline of the first theme ('existence') and an email address for submissions to be sent to ( haven't decided on a deadline for submissions or an eventual format because a) i am a lazy worm and b) i am unsure how many submissions there will be. HOWEVER if any of you are good at making webpages/ have any ideas on format or just wanna help out, with your ideas/by sharing the page then please do. all help and creations are welcome. <3

Saturday, 16 August 2014

creation appreciation + an announcement

i love art. and not just arty-art-art, paintings'n'sculptures kind of art, i love books, films, tv shows, photographs, websites, articles, things which i tend to call creations, because actually art is just too narrow a term. i like looking at them, i like reading what people have written about them and i like connecting with people over them.

in fact, there is only one problem i have with these art/creation. i can't do it. i can't write or make up stories, my photography skills are null and void and drawing makes my head hurt. the idea of forming the vague, floating ideas i have in my head into anything physical/visible is one which sends me into panic mode, and i have endless admiration for those people who can sit down, in front of a blank canvas/word document/lump of clay, and just create.

of course, i realise that being artistic isn't plain sailing even for the most brilliant of minds. it takes practice, persistence, tears, giving up and starting over and often endless frustration. which is why i fall at the first hurdle when trying to create things: i am lazy. i have exciting ideas, but the minute i reach any kind of stumbling block (which could be anything from losing my gluestick to simply exhausting the possibilities of said idea), i give up. my wonderful idea now seems boring, irritating and useless, and i go back to appreciating what other people do.

a few months ago, i had a minor epiphany. i was sat, with my collection of fineliners trying desperately to draw something interesting. after about half an hour of drawing rough shapes and not settling on anything and feeling useless about it, i suddenly thought, but what on earth is wrong with not being able to create anything? why do i torture myself over trying to do something which i have much more fun watching other people do? 

it was at that point that i coined the term 'serial appreciator' to describe myself, and actually anyone else like me who prefers to just surround themselves with beautiful things other people have made, rather than create themselves.

serial appreciators exist in many different forms. they are art collectors, editors of magazines, hoarders and zoo managers. serial appreciators love nothing more than looking at new things, even if they don't form an opinion of them, just to have experienced it. they collect and stash things, obsessively, either physically in the form of objects they hold dear, or mentally as opinions on things they are interested in. we like filing cabinets, tumblr, pretty picture frames. in short, we enjoy organising, editing and publicising the beautiful things other people make. 

for a long time, i had loads of pages bookmarked which were calling for submissions for various different webzines. however i realised i was never ever going to make anything for any of them, because i can't. 

so now I'm thinking, what if instead of failing to submit stuff, i could take advantage of my over-enthusiastic ability to collect/manage stuff and create my own site for other people to submit stuff to? maybe. i don't know if anyone would submit, or if i could create some kind of space which would be unique in what kind of thing people could submit. a zine for chronically shy people to express their deeper feelings in the form of art? something feminism based? a creative space for rabbit enthusiasts? 

i don't know. the entire plan is still horribly vague in my mind, but if anyone would be interested in submitting something to a zine/website i ran, helping me run it, or even if you're looking for someone to help run/edit a publication, please feel free to contact me via email/commenting/carrier pigeon.

Sunday, 10 August 2014

the golden age is over

notice anything? uh yeah i made another blog header because i realised i hated how my blog looked. i made this blog more than a year ago now and i have realised i actually don't like a lot of it. looking back at some of my oldest posts i wonder how i was ever like that. i'm trying to come up with a new url (i feel like 'whimsical procrastination' is a bit forced-quirky-cringey hm) but so far i only have a few very vague ideas, most of which i typed into my phone late at night and i have no idea what i was thinking now.

normal life has kind of been on hiatus recently because i moved house. I'm still not quite settled and i still forget where we keep the cereal here which is really troubling. i haven't really taken advantage of the fact that i can now walk into town because it is too hot still (its only like 23 degrees but I'm really bad with heat okay). i still feel like I'm on holiday, but hopefully it'll hit me that i actually live here at some point in the near future.

i took these pictures on a sunny car journey and thought they looked pretty. i was listening to this song at the time and the whole effect was very nostalgic and dreamy.

it was my birthday recently. i went shopping in camden with my family which was lovely (and i met maisie williams in urban outfitters wHATTTTT). i don't really like birthdays though. i don't enjoy special celebrations as much as i like the relaxing rhythms of everyday life and staying at home, and then i feel bad that someone has made an effort to make my day enjoyable and special and all i feel is tired and anxious. but still. i am finally legally an adult which feels more like a weight lifted from my shoulders rather than an exciting milestone. i can (technically at least) do a lot of new things (buy alcohol! move out! get married!) which is both exciting and terrifying, the way most of adulthood seems to me at the moment. i don't feel like growing up really.

i have always wanted to be arty but unfortunately i am terrible at physically drawing most things. apart from flowers, it turns out they're quite nice to draw. when you get the basic outline down you can go wild with clashing colours and they still look fun. for the full quintessential victorian lady pastime feel, listen to classical piano as you draw.

photos from the zoo trip i went on with a friend. it was so crowded and hot and full of small screaming children which normally makes me panicked but on this occasion nothing was gonna stop me from gawping at strange animals and making a mental inventory of all the ones i want if i ever have a big enough house.

asa a part of my 'become-an-interesting-person-by-watching-interesting-films' initiative i spent an afternoon watching pink flamingos with my curtains shut. its one of those films which you could see as being some sort of statement about the decaying morality of society (which john waters almost definitely did not intend it to be) or just a film about people trying to be more flamboyantly awful than each other. its interesting watching a film which doesn't care about showing that good morals always prevail etc. like some kind of weird circus, letting yourself be more and more shocked by watching people do more and more atrocious things. but being shocked is fun. we like watching other people push and break boundaries, because we want to see how far you can go with these things without doing them ourselves. and all while they're wearing outrageous and incredible costumes!!(see: the marbles' fluorescent dyed hair and divine's dress in the courtroom scene) 

i feel like these posts should finish with some kind of definite ending, not just me running out of energy/ideas. maybe a moral? possibly. well kids the moral of this post is i blog best late at night. also fudge ice cream is out of this world. au revoir.

Wednesday, 30 July 2014

late night thoughts from my sister's bedroom window

- i can still remember when i used to be afraid of my own feelings. that if i was still for too long they would catch up with me and hurt me

- the evenings are the only thing i like about summer. i like being able to sit outside at night and watch the sky change colour

- some bats just flew overhead. its too dark to see much but they moved too quickly to be birds

- maybe i should describe what i see, like in school when they used to set us tasks like 'describe something you know very well'. i am resting my feet on the roof, below which is our hedge. then there's a field beyond that, with the warehouse to the left and the lights from the airfield right on the horizon

- if i lean out the window far enough, i feel like i'm hovering above the field

- how did my sister ever convince me to let her have the better room? I wonder if she appreciates the view as much as i do.

- i feel weird just sat here, my thoughts drifting peacefully. i can't remember the last time i did this. mostly i am distracting myself with something, whether its other people, my phone or books

- i spend too much time being something else for other people. i've built too many layers over who i really am, and i feel lost without someone present to direct my thoughts. because its not just my words and actions which other people influence, but my mind assimilates to its surroundings too.

- i need to argue with someone. not because i want to or have any reason to, but because i need to do something utterly abrasive and selfish just to be myself

- where did this fear of being selfish come from? because everyone else is selfish. you learn that when you try being utterly selfless

- i am listening to lana del rey on repeat at the moment. her music is so bittersweet and nostalgic, but also dark and dangerous. i love the bit in the 'ride' video where she talks about having a 'chameleon soul' because that's how i feel right now. lonely and kind of shapeless

- i feel shut off from other people, especially my friends. like an invisible barrier has come down, and their happiness and enjoyment seems distant and weird. as if when i left school, that was kind of it, and i lost most of the sense of connection i had to them and now we have very little to keep us together

- can you get fireflies in england? i might have to look that up

- i am constantly caught between wanting to be alone and craving attention

- i miss the bats. they were pretty

- i wish  was a character in a film. with a storyline and obstacles and purpose and real, beautiful, soaring emotions. surrounded by captivating people.

- i hope i remember how beautiful this view is. the huge dark field with the landing lights on the horizon. as much as i hate the countryside, i love how it looks at night

- i feel like i should be waiting for something here, or keeping watch. i want to be expecting something. i want to believe that if i  stay here long enough i will witness something extraordinary, or supernatural which will change my life

- i have absolutely no idea what's going to happen to me in the next few months

Monday, 14 July 2014

i am somebody

oh wow its been so so long since I posted properly. Discounting my lame 'sorreeeee for being a sucky blogger' post it has been a month I think? Oh well. I'm here now. And I have a lot of ideas for what to write and hopefully my own computer at some point so I don't have to put up with the shitty blogger app for too much longer.

despite all the grand plans I had for this summer, I haven't really acted out any of them. The shock of having nothing to do has made me do nothing, or at less nothing which involves too much movement/I social interaction, so mostly emailing and reading and crochet. I read Never Let Me Go, which I enjoyed. I like the way the story was made up of all these small non linear anecdotes which pieced together, in the way most people actually recall memories. I am now reading another Sherlock Holmes book as a kind of in between while I try and find something else I really want to read, which is kind of difficult thanks to the lame selection of books they have at the library near me.

Mostly listening to morbid music/watching morbid films. Maybe to match my mood? Idk but I find creepy stuff exciting. It's helping build up my sense of anticipation about this summer which is currently horribly lacking. Also I hate sunny weather/the general 'forced fun' feel of summer so I like to shut myself up in the gloom and pretend that blue skies don't exist.

I watched nosferatu the other day partly because all of it is on youtube for free and also because it looked interesting, it was kind of weird, because although it is over 90 years old i found it really sinister. Maybe because it's black and white and silent, and most of the storytelling is through blurry, wordless movements but there is something quite eerie about it. 

Listening to a lot of Lana del rey, especially ultraviolence. I love her voice, and the lazy, disillusioned tone of her songs, but like most semi-conscientious people I find some aspects of her worrying, aka her fetishising chasing older men/violent relationships, and her saying she finds feminism 'boring'. I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinion and you can't force anyone to like feminism because that would ruin the point of it. But imagine how amazing a feminist Lana del rey would be?! My crazy cool blogger pal Amelia did a funny sketch based on her fader magazine interview.

Like a lot people I made a to do list for the summer which started simply enough, like 
1. choose computer
2. dye hair pink/purple/blue? Been trying to compile inspiration for possible colours

3. make louise belcher bunny ears hat (might clash with hair?)
4. watch all of the 179 films on your imdb watchlist
5. audition for some kind of acting role 
6. finish crochet blanket
7. listen to new music every day (see below)

But then it kind of morphed into a list of things i want to have become by the time I leave home:

1. stand taller + don't shrink away when someone you don't know speaks to you. I don't mind being introverted but I hate how weak and mumbly I go in certain situations. Listening to as much Kanye as possible to try and boost self confidence.
2. cut off everyone who you actually don't like that much. This probably sounds kind of cold but I really don't see the point in keeping in touch with people I don't enjoy talking to. My social capacity is easily exhausted and therefore cannot be wasted on people I can only just bear to be polite to.
3. don't be afraid to ask for stuff. At the moment my fear of rejection/conflict basically rules how I live my life (ie very quietly and disappointingly) and I am sick of this. A lot of the stuff I want to do requires asking for/actively seeking out and I need to get over my terror of doing this. Reading this rookie article helped a lot.

Etc. etc.... basically I have promised myself that this will be the summer where I finally get my shit together instead of lounging around avoiding responsibilities for 2 months

bedroom wall

Friday, 27 June 2014

*normal service will be resumed shortly


ugh so I realise I have been a terrible person and NOT BLOGGED OR READ ANY OF YOUR BLOGS IN NEARLY LIKE A MONTH but I have been busy I swear like I had exams and everything (!!!) my last one was on monday and so the past few days have consisted of the general leaving school aftermath. stuff like the leavers ball, which I spent either standing around judging everyone doing the macarena or screaming when britney spears came on, and then also giving back books, saying forced goodbyes to people. the whole experience has left me feeling exhausted by all the fake smiling/polite socialising and my free time (which I promised myself would be creatively spent) has consisted of watching bobs burgers and playing the sims. anyway I hope to be making actual posts once I have adjusted my brain to the black hole in my life where revision used to be and manage to be a functioning human being again.

post ball, ready to curl up in a ball and stay in bed for a week

Thursday, 29 May 2014

dream diary kinda + music

Ugh. writing this late at night as per usual. my first exam is in a few days and I can't even tell if I'm nervous or not really.

I keep having really vivid + weird dreams at the moment. they're never too stressful but I can remember them all really clearly which is unusual for me. I don't understand why people don't like hearing about other people's dreams. I think they're fascinating because its always stuff that would never happen in real life and they're terrifying and funny and incredible. someone tell me about your dreams I love hearing about them.

LAST EVER SCHOOL TOILET OUTFIT PICTURE AWWWW I'm gonna miss that mirror. both my top + jeans are topshop. I'm pretty sure the shirt was meant to be nightwear but wearing it as actual clothing because I'm wild like that 

2 lazy 2 try and articulate anymore. enjoy a playlist of sorts