Saturday, 14 March 2015

re-resolutioning a.k.a. still not doing anything of interest but hoping to soon

There are 1000 reasons I could give for not having posted on here recently, such as the trustworthy 'I've been really busy' (true, but also not busy enough to neglect this quite so badly) or 'I've been working on something really great' (I haven't. I've been trying every single variety of sainsburys cookies and watching 10 episodes of the office per day) or I could just not mention it because hey! this is my blog, and I've gone for longer without writing anything on here before. also it annoys me that I start every single post with an apology for infrequency/over frequency of posts.
I feel compelled to say something now though because this time, the reason that I haven't posted on here in a long time is that I have had absolutely nothing I want to write about. I'm not just being lazy, or feeling unable to cope with blogger's non-functioning picture arranging, I have not once in the past 2 months had a thought I wanted to share on here. Maybe I'm sharing more of this stuff with people in real life but I'm not entirely sure I am. Maybe I'm sick of writing. I write a full essay each week, researching for it, shaping information into arguments, pulling something interesting apart until it isn't so I can coldly analyse its separate parts before tomorrow evening. To do so for fun now, when I could instead be sleeping, or watching tv or seeing my friends seems ludicrous. 

(side note: term has finally finished now. hence the sudden availability for recreational scribblings)

It's at that point in the year now where the novelty of the university experience has worn off. I skip my lectures now because I'm bored of the walk there and back and its cold and I don't want to get out of my pyjamas. I plan my reading around having to drag myself to as few libraries as possible (I love libraries, but when I have to spend hours going there, negotiating the confusing classifying system only to have to haul several enormous dull volumes back to my room they lose their attraction). I put as little effort into my work as I can get away with because by now, I don't care if it isn't great or incredible or impressive, I care that it's acceptable and no one will be 'concerned about my performance' *shudders*. I find it impossible to even appreciate the beauty of the city and its buildings because I have walked through them almost every single day now for the past few months and all I notice are the tourists and bikes blocking the pavements.

I found myself subconsciously making some (alarmingly negative) resolutions halfway through this term:
1. stop going to clubs. you hate them. you've never ever enjoyed a night out, and at this stage you're probably never going to meet your soulmates in a room-shaped armpit you paid £5 to enter. let's face it, you only really do it for the chips on the way back.
2. stop spending time with people who have never paid you any attention in the vain hope that they suddenly might start finding you interesting. If they've never made an effort to talk to you, why should you?
3. stop caring what other people think. they don't care that much, so just do what you want. 
4. you have enough friends, stop grasping for more. be more discerning. the people you think are cool from a distance are rarely as neat when you get to know them.
5. reorganise your time and pastimes. go to the museums and charity shops. Give up on all the things you feel you ought to do but actually gain nothing from. Only you know how to best spend your time.
6.  trust your instincts. you are right more than you think.

tl;dr - do you on your own terms

I have been watching a lot of films in between huge bowls of pasta. Mostly faintly disturbing:
se7en - intriguing biblical undertones, Kevin Spacey
nymphomaniac vol. II - I saw part I and thought I should finish it. My face took a while to unfurrow after it ended.
twin peaks: fire walk with me - much, much, much more shocking in terms of content than the tv series. and more sheryl lee which is absolutely no bad thing.
lost highway - i only figured out how all the characters connected about 2 hours after I finished it. rammstein and someone's head gets impaled on a table corner

Also: when I said I hadn't felt compelled to share anything on here that was a teeny tiny lie. I found these videos in a semi-abandoned draft which I thought were cool/fun/catchy/entertaining

(Vintage David Lynch directed playstation 2 commercials)

(Allie X)

series of photobooth pictures of me eating food looking like garbage. a running theme for the past 8 weeks apparently.

'essay nesting with bottled water'

'mug of tea in fur coat because my radiator is radically temperamental'

'2am bowl of lentils after blowing off going out at the last minute'

'cheap low calorie bread. ew'

Anyway! Easter is now. Revising and trying to earn money are very much around the corner = more stuff to put off = predicted sudden increased interest in blogging. watch this space. 

Saturday, 3 January 2015

new year, new choice of typeface (and not a lot else)

2014 was, by default, always going to be at least mediocre owing to my car-crash of a 2013 which probably could not have been worse. it wasn't much more than that though. it was a year where things happened, important but dull things which needed to happen at some point, i.e. exams, university applications, reorganising myself, mentally and physically. a transition, experimentation year (as i correctly identified in my 2013 review post. go me). there were some not so pleasant revelations about myself, things about myself that i wanted to change and improve, formulating more clearly what i wanted for myself. i realised the things i want take hard work, are sometimes awkward to make happen, and inevitably involve some kind of conflict. 

it is with this perhaps misleadingly positive mindset that i approach 2015. i am determined to make things happen this year, more so than normal. although tbh i can never remember to what extent i feel like this at the beginning of every year, probably just as i feel now. ah well. i will continue under the delusion that this determination is unprecedented so that maybe this will be the Year of Improvement and Success

  • get a job ffs
  • better posture, more confidence, fake it til you make it
  • keep up journal, draw and write more
  • work hard for exams (sadly necessary)
  • more honesty, selective vulnerability?
  • start dying/cutting own hair
  • put yourself forward for more stuff - auditions, castings, applications
  • act, speak like you know you're interesting - be better company
  • speak up, stop mumbling
  • spend less time feeling sorry for yourself, making excuses. get stuff done.

went for a walk in a forest. it was freezing, but so so sunny, and completely blissfully silent. for a split second, my dog looked photogenic and i managed to get a picture before he ran after a squirrel

a v bad quality picture of my favourite bit of my room - inspiration pictures, hair ties, favourite necklace, and yeah, a framed postcard of jean paul gaultier.

exploring my town, i found the cemetery behind my house which has exceptional views over the rest of the town. had a very beautiful walk just before it shut and took 100000 pictures most of which turned out horribly blurry but here are some nice ones

some songs to match my hopeful-for-the-new-year mood/general music i like currently. i hope all you are having a nice january and feeling good about 2015 xoxo

Saturday, 20 December 2014


I am trying in a number of ways to make logical sense of the past two months. My first term at the university countless relatives and teachers told me I was unbelievably lucky to get into, which I spent all summer looking forward to arriving at.

Sometimes, I count all the beautiful moments I’ve had here: finding a way out onto the roof of our accommodation, running across the perfectly manicured front lawn late at night, sitting on benches by the river in the first week with bottles of cheap wine, talking for hours. The walks back from through my empty lecture site in the evening, listening to Kate Bush. The city itself, the buildings and the parks, the swarms of excitable tourists fighting to get pictures of the place in which I now live. Looking back on them, these were exactly the kind of stereotypically ‘magical’ moments I wanted. 

I can’t ignore the worst parts though. The first week I spent not eating, hiding in my room, counting down the days until the scheduled ‘fun’ of our freshers week was over so I could throw myself into essay writing and lectures, something which at the time seemed simple and easy. All the times when I came back after a night out with people on the edge of a group of friends and sat in bed unable to move, hysterically certain that I couldn’t do anything, that I wouldn’t be able to survive here.

Other times i try and look at it logically, to see how much I have achieved, how I’ve improved. I’ve managed the workload. I’ve connected to people, conveyed my opinions, made small talk with strangers, faced confrontation and lived among people I barely knew, when at home I could hardly bear to let anyone else into my bedroom. Overall, just having survived the shock to my system of carefully structured solitary preferences and routines. Small steps, but things I wouldn’t have thought I could have faced six months ago.

But most of the time, the only way I can describe it is as strange. Bizarre. A combination of exhilarating and alienating which I can’t quite figure out if I enjoy.

When I talk to people, when I call my mum or my friends to catch up, I am happy. I tell them everything that’s been going on, because I now have things to relate to them. I feel pleased that I can be interesting, and I surprise myself with the amount of things I am doing when I say them to other people. These moments, I feel truly grateful for where I am, and I don’t hesitate to share this with people. But then that’s where the catch is though. I love this place, but I don’t like being here. I love my beautiful new surroundings, but I am uncomfortable with my presence amidst them. I feel dwarfed by them, and I can’t shake the voice at the back of my head, every time something happens which I thought I wanted - ‘But why me?’

I know this is how most people feel. Its impossible to be at a place with such a reputation without feeling insecure. I can keep going. It will get better. Insecurity is either temporary, or so deeply ingrained in your outlook that you get used to it. 

Monday, 20 October 2014

a real and genuine apology for neglect with picture commentary

i am feeling very drained right now. I arrived at university two weeks ago and so far the experience has been one of emotional and work related stress. not all bad, but all very extreme, unlike the relaxing monotony of the summer holidays. i have not had time for so many things i love (watching tv, blogging, staring into space, working on my now-a-bit-dead zine which i promise i will revive at some point) because i am now a Practical and Responsible Adult who doesn't spend  all day lying in bed thinking about death and eating cereal. my own thoughts mostly consist of panic and excitement about twin peaks returning so here are some pretty pictures which have been making me think nice things.


*strokes screen* 'look at the pretty'

at university there are so many buildings which look like something from a david lynch film. especially the library, which is an old grand building with a very modern extension tacked onto it. its always silent, and people just seem to appear from nowhere. i got lost in there late at night and had to ring my sister because i was scared i was going to be trapped in some sort of black lodge-esque scenario for ever and ever.

something which has been occurring to me a lot (i swear I'm not fixated on death, honest!1!), especially since i am around new people. i think i managed to suss out how everyone at school would feel, so now I'm thinking about how it would impact people here, who don't know me very well. i find its a very good way to figure out how you feel about people. 

still trying to figure out how i feel about rats. i dislike the idea of them infesting where i live but also if you have pet ones you can teach them tricks, which would be pretty funky.

I'm going through a bit of a cartoon obsession at the moment. I've always wanted to get into creating cartoons because i have a lot of small thoughts which would suit the format but I've never figured out how i could do it.

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

life is beautiful. really, it is. full of beauty and illusions. life is great. without it, you'd be dead.

everything feels like its gearing up to move on. which is a shock because after weeks and weeks of staying inside and finding excuses not to meet up with people, it is dawning on me that i will be moving out in a month. I received several booklets of information from my university about my living arrangements and all the stuff happening in freshers week. Maybe I'm weird but the sight of an actual timetable of activities i have to participate in with people i have not yet met made my stomach drop about a foot. I think i will be excited soon, once I've got over the initial 'oh god this is really happening this isn't a dream this is the beginning of my life for the next 3 years help'. 

Also in my new room I am not allowed fairy lights, or to attach anything to the walls, or a pet or to bring my own furniture. how am i going to decorate then? my imagination? invisible ink drawings? life-size cardboard cutouts of celebrities? small plaster statues? maybe i will have to take up pottery.

I need to adjust. I spent this summer taking every single anxiety test i could find (as it turns out, there are quite a few) to try and give myself a solid reason why I have spent this summer getting paler and paler and retreating more and more. I almost relished in the fact that i have not been swimming all summer, or contacted my school friends but then i realised actually I've been quite lonely, and this absolutely isn't fun. I like time alone, but theres a difference between being alone and loneliness. 

lying in my room by myself helps me recharge, but if i spend too long without a meaningful interaction with a human being, i feel isolated, and weird, and a vicious circle ensues where i feel lonely and so withdraw further, feel lonelier, withdraw further and so on. I need to stop, take a break, convince myself everything is going to be fine unless i carry on in this vein and then yes, everything might be a bit sad forever duh.

cool-goth vampire look which i created shortly after watching only lovers left alive. involves mostly black eyeliner and all the dark clothes i could find, including a broken behemoth t shirt which was my brothers and some very constricting black jeans. also several claw grips to try and make my hair look like i'd been gently electrocuted, which worked for roughly 5 minutes before my hair gave up and went flat.

***i don't write any of my posts because i am an absolute lazy worm in one sitting so this marks the few weeks in which this post just floated around in my drafts + i dyed my hair pink***

everything is quite literally rose tinted now. if i look through my hair, everything is a sweet smelling pink haze. turns out changing your hair colour does wonders for your self esteem

i recently watched gummo hence the title of this post. its one of those films which doesn't really have a plot, or seemingly any point. for me, thats why the 'life is beautiful' quote is so important to the film, and why it wouldn't really make any sense without it, because i think it is essentially just a film about the beauty of everyday lives, no matter how run down.

chloe sevigny is wonderful and that tiger leotard is something i really need 

anyway I've tried taking more photos of stuff

lonely flower growing in pavement crack

grey v.s. burning skies

railway station stairs in the evening

tired queueing legs - h&m tights, asos skirt, topshop socks and thrifted boots

also in other news i travelled to london to queue for the meadham kirchhoff ss15 open casting. i didn't get it obviously (i would be bouncing off the walls crying if i did) but i got to see the inside of their offices and walk in a circuit in front of edward meadham (although i am ashamed to say i didn't realise it was him at the time). anyway it was also nice because i did a thing i wouldn't normally do and nothing disastrous happened and everything felt kind of natural you know? I managed to negotiate an unfamiliar situation without completely freaking which i feel is an achievement in itself.

i really really love this song at the moment. its my soundtrack to walking around town and dodging round crowds of slow walking people (there should be some kind of fine for that i swear). like a lot of people i was worried when jamie t disappeared for 5 years (WHERE WERE YOU MAN) but look! he's back! with a video where someone uses a severed arm as a drumstick! i can rest easy.

in other 'things that made me happy news', i bought a full length fake fur coat. you know, the kind that would be appropriate if you were an elderly aristocrat or a polar explorer, and not a teenage girl in a moderately warm climate. still, I'm finding any excuse to wear  it around the house and feel regal.

its so huge i can't fit in all in one photo i love it. i feel like a furry mountain.
and yes i realise it looks like i haven't moved for all of the pictures in this post. i promise i have it just so happens my webcam is the best camera i own oops
more music i've been listening to a lot of recently

aLSO LAST THING I PROMISE but tavi did an AMA on reddit which i somehow managed to miss but her answers confirm my suspicions that she is an actual goddess. i have screenshots of some of them on my computer desktop for when I'm feelin' down.