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Monday, 14 July 2014

i am somebody

oh wow its been so so long since I posted properly. Discounting my lame 'sorreeeee for being a sucky blogger' post it has been a month I think? Oh well. I'm here now. And I have a lot of ideas for what to write and hopefully my own computer at some point so I don't have to put up with the shitty blogger app for too much longer.

despite all the grand plans I had for this summer, I haven't really acted out any of them. The shock of having nothing to do has made me do nothing, or at less nothing which involves too much movement/I social interaction, so mostly emailing and reading and crochet. I read Never Let Me Go, which I enjoyed. I like the way the story was made up of all these small non linear anecdotes which pieced together, in the way most people actually recall memories. I am now reading another Sherlock Holmes book as a kind of in between while I try and find something else I really want to read, which is kind of difficult thanks to the lame selection of books they have at the library near me.

Mostly listening to morbid music/watching morbid films. Maybe to match my mood? Idk but I find creepy stuff exciting. It's helping build up my sense of anticipation about this summer which is currently horribly lacking. Also I hate sunny weather/the general 'forced fun' feel of summer so I like to shut myself up in the gloom and pretend that blue skies don't exist.


I watched nosferatu the other day partly because all of it is on youtube for free and also because it looked interesting, it was kind of weird, because although it is over 90 years old i found it really sinister. Maybe because it's black and white and silent, and most of the storytelling is through blurry, wordless movements but there is something quite eerie about it. 











Listening to a lot of Lana del rey, especially ultraviolence. I love her voice, and the lazy, disillusioned tone of her songs, but like most semi-conscientious people I find some aspects of her worrying, aka her fetishising chasing older men/violent relationships, and her saying she finds feminism 'boring'. I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinion and you can't force anyone to like feminism because that would ruin the point of it. But imagine how amazing a feminist Lana del rey would be?! My crazy cool blogger pal Amelia did a funny sketch based on her fader magazine interview.




Like a lot people I made a to do list for the summer which started simply enough, like 
1. choose computer
2. dye hair pink/purple/blue? Been trying to compile inspiration for possible colours


3. make louise belcher bunny ears hat (might clash with hair?)
4. watch all of the 179 films on your imdb watchlist
5. audition for some kind of acting role 
6. finish crochet blanket
7. listen to new music every day (see below)






But then it kind of morphed into a list of things i want to have become by the time I leave home:

1. stand taller + don't shrink away when someone you don't know speaks to you. I don't mind being introverted but I hate how weak and mumbly I go in certain situations. Listening to as much Kanye as possible to try and boost self confidence.
2. cut off everyone who you actually don't like that much. This probably sounds kind of cold but I really don't see the point in keeping in touch with people I don't enjoy talking to. My social capacity is easily exhausted and therefore cannot be wasted on people I can only just bear to be polite to.
3. don't be afraid to ask for stuff. At the moment my fear of rejection/conflict basically rules how I live my life (ie very quietly and disappointingly) and I am sick of this. A lot of the stuff I want to do requires asking for/actively seeking out and I need to get over my terror of doing this. Reading this rookie article helped a lot.

Etc. etc.... basically I have promised myself that this will be the summer where I finally get my shit together instead of lounging around avoiding responsibilities for 2 months


bedroom wall
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14 comments:

  1. I also get those issues with list making that becomes a small essay on "things about me I should sort out," especially introversion and being socially awkward. I'm improving on that and I think it definitely has to do with surrounding myself with people I really like, so as cold as it may be distancing others seems a good path... Also, I need to make a poster like that one and stick it on my wall.

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    1. Yes! There are far too many things I want to be... Also there's no shame in removing people from your life you don't enjoy being with

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  2. Flozman is back is action. Feminist Lana Del Rey would be insane and it makes me quite sad that she describes it as "boring." Andd yesss trying to make this summer a memorable one too, doing things outside of my comfort zone etc. Auditioning for an acting role sounds great, what thing did you have in mind? Also COLOURFUL HAIR! I am a fan of this idea!

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    1. Yes this has to be the 'memorable last summer at home' ya get me? I'm pretty open to any kind of role really so long as it isn't like for a toothbrush advert or anything.

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  3. I found your blog through your comment on that rookie article and gahhh I can't tell you how happy I am that I found it! I totally know what you mean about not getting everything you wanted to get done done this summer... summer is always frustrating to me cause I feel like I have so much time to the point where I end up wasting it.
    But I've also had one of my best friends visiting me the past few days and through our talks I've realized that I've done a lot more in the past month and a half than I thought - even when I was just lazing around the house, I was thinking a lot about how I affect the world and ~*who I am*~ and all that, which made me learn a lot more about myself, which is way more valuable than I realized. (Omg huge run-on, I'm sorry) So if the summer brought you nothing more than introspection (which from your list it seems like it has), it's not the worst thing in the world!

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    1. Aww I'm flattered thank you. But yes you're right. Just by thinking about stuff we help form ourselves and it's only when you come to express these thoughts you realise how much more you know <3

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  4. So cool that you are getting into creepy cinema/music! I find that its quite healthy to embrace your dark side and scare yourself ( especially if you are young and bored in suburbia :p) I'm so flattered you put my video on my blog lol !!! <3 Love all these new artists you introduced me to. Im also having quite the "unsocial summer" im not to displeased. I'll deal with more human bodies and "human relations" when school starts lol I'm in introspective robot mode. .. But i may hang out with some friends later this summer and theres this poetry thing happening in early august so i will still get a small dose of humanity . The pink hair and louise ears would look so good do it if only just for the summer plzz. :P.Love all the photos! :)

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    1. haha yeah my dark side is a lot more fun than I expected it would be. Ew yes. I am thinking maybe I don't actually like spending time with people . Ooh that sounds cool have fun :)) hha I'm trying to get it organised lol.

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  5. I like the whole "getting into creepy music in suburbia" thing, it's got a whole Virgin Suicides vibe, the echoes of "trapped in suburbia". I had blue streaks in my hair last year, can't waiiiiit to get them back. Oh, and the fact you like rookie made my life, seriously. :)

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    1. Yess creepy in suburbia is my general summer vibe right now. I'm so excited to get my hair coloured agh thank you but srsly who doesn't like rookie haha.

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  6. I end up with a lot of lists like this. I hope you achieve everything you want to :-)

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  7. every time i catch up on your blog i can't resist commenting on every single post. i relate to you on so many levels???? you should read the book play it as it lays by joan didion, it's dark and empty and beautiful and i think you'd enjoy it. also yes about kanye for self-confidence

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    1. hhaha aw thank u so much. + thanks for the book recommendation i just finished what i was reading and needed something else to start

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