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Wednesday, 30 July 2014

late night thoughts from my sister's bedroom window



- i can still remember when i used to be afraid of my own feelings. that if i was still for too long they would catch up with me and hurt me

- the evenings are the only thing i like about summer. i like being able to sit outside at night and watch the sky change colour

- some bats just flew overhead. its too dark to see much but they moved too quickly to be birds

- maybe i should describe what i see, like in school when they used to set us tasks like 'describe something you know very well'. i am resting my feet on the roof, below which is our hedge. then there's a field beyond that, with the warehouse to the left and the lights from the airfield right on the horizon

- if i lean out the window far enough, i feel like i'm hovering above the field

- how did my sister ever convince me to let her have the better room? I wonder if she appreciates the view as much as i do.

- i feel weird just sat here, my thoughts drifting peacefully. i can't remember the last time i did this. mostly i am distracting myself with something, whether its other people, my phone or books

- i spend too much time being something else for other people. i've built too many layers over who i really am, and i feel lost without someone present to direct my thoughts. because its not just my words and actions which other people influence, but my mind assimilates to its surroundings too.

- i need to argue with someone. not because i want to or have any reason to, but because i need to do something utterly abrasive and selfish just to be myself

- where did this fear of being selfish come from? because everyone else is selfish. you learn that when you try being utterly selfless

- i am listening to lana del rey on repeat at the moment. her music is so bittersweet and nostalgic, but also dark and dangerous. i love the bit in the 'ride' video where she talks about having a 'chameleon soul' because that's how i feel right now. lonely and kind of shapeless

- i feel shut off from other people, especially my friends. like an invisible barrier has come down, and their happiness and enjoyment seems distant and weird. as if when i left school, that was kind of it, and i lost most of the sense of connection i had to them and now we have very little to keep us together

- can you get fireflies in england? i might have to look that up

- i am constantly caught between wanting to be alone and craving attention

- i miss the bats. they were pretty

- i wish  was a character in a film. with a storyline and obstacles and purpose and real, beautiful, soaring emotions. surrounded by captivating people.

- i hope i remember how beautiful this view is. the huge dark field with the landing lights on the horizon. as much as i hate the countryside, i love how it looks at night

- i feel like i should be waiting for something here, or keeping watch. i want to be expecting something. i want to believe that if i  stay here long enough i will witness something extraordinary, or supernatural which will change my life

- i have absolutely no idea what's going to happen to me in the next few months

4 comments:

  1. That view is awesomely beautiful. I get what you feel about not knowing what's going to happen. It always feels thrill-adrenaline exciting and at the same time, butterfly-terrifying. I love summer evenings when you can just look at the sky and see how weirdly infinite it all looks. :)

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    1. Yeah the future is such a crazy weird idea. Haha I could sit out here all evening probably

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  2. i can relate to your thoughts on so many levels its kinda scary lol. You have a very interesting mind. I also enjoy staring out from from my roof's window and just thinking about everything and longing to be a movie charcter. I truly love this post. :)

    styleriottt.blogspot.com
    styleriottt.blogspot.com

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    1. Haha thank you! Yes it is my favourite pastime now lol

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