Also in my new room I am not allowed fairy lights, or to attach anything to the walls, or a pet or to bring my own furniture. how am i going to decorate then? my imagination? invisible ink drawings? life-size cardboard cutouts of celebrities? small plaster statues? maybe i will have to take up pottery.
I need to adjust. I spent this summer taking every single anxiety test i could find (as it turns out, there are quite a few) to try and give myself a solid reason why I have spent this summer getting paler and paler and retreating more and more. I almost relished in the fact that i have not been swimming all summer, or contacted my school friends but then i realised actually I've been quite lonely, and this absolutely isn't fun. I like time alone, but theres a difference between being alone and loneliness.
lying in my room by myself helps me recharge, but if i spend too long without a meaningful interaction with a human being, i feel isolated, and weird, and a vicious circle ensues where i feel lonely and so withdraw further, feel lonelier, withdraw further and so on. I need to stop, take a break, convince myself everything is going to be fine unless i carry on in this vein and then yes, everything might be a bit sad forever duh.
***i don't write any of my posts because i am an absolute lazy worm in one sitting so this marks the few weeks in which this post just floated around in my drafts + i dyed my hair pink***
everything is quite literally rose tinted now. if i look through my hair, everything is a sweet smelling pink haze. turns out changing your hair colour does wonders for your self esteem
i recently watched gummo hence the title of this post. its one of those films which doesn't really have a plot, or seemingly any point. for me, thats why the 'life is beautiful' quote is so important to the film, and why it wouldn't really make any sense without it, because i think it is essentially just a film about the beauty of everyday lives, no matter how run down.
|chloe sevigny is wonderful and that tiger leotard is something i really need|
anyway I've tried taking more photos of stuff
lonely flower growing in pavement crack
grey v.s. burning skies
|tired queueing legs - h&m tights, asos skirt, topshop socks and thrifted boots|
also in other news i travelled to london to queue for the meadham kirchhoff ss15 open casting. i didn't get it obviously (i would be bouncing off the walls crying if i did) but i got to see the inside of their offices and walk in a circuit in front of edward meadham (although i am ashamed to say i didn't realise it was him at the time). anyway it was also nice because i did a thing i wouldn't normally do and nothing disastrous happened and everything felt kind of natural you know? I managed to negotiate an unfamiliar situation without completely freaking which i feel is an achievement in itself.
i really really love this song at the moment. its my soundtrack to walking around town and dodging round crowds of slow walking people (there should be some kind of fine for that i swear). like a lot of people i was worried when jamie t disappeared for 5 years (WHERE WERE YOU MAN) but look! he's back! with a video where someone uses a severed arm as a drumstick! i can rest easy.
in other 'things that made me happy news', i bought a full length fake fur coat. you know, the kind that would be appropriate if you were an elderly aristocrat or a polar explorer, and not a teenage girl in a moderately warm climate. still, I'm finding any excuse to wear it around the house and feel regal.
|its so huge i can't fit in all in one photo i love it. i feel like a furry mountain.|
|and yes i realise it looks like i haven't moved for all of the pictures in this post. i promise i have it just so happens my webcam is the best camera i own oops|
more music i've been listening to a lot of recently
aLSO LAST THING I PROMISE but tavi did an AMA on reddit which i somehow managed to miss but her answers confirm my suspicions that she is an actual goddess. i have screenshots of some of them on my computer desktop for when I'm feelin' down.