This song came on while I was sat on the train back to university, and in combination with the peaceful fields going past the window it made me realise just how tired I was. Not just the sleep deprivation, but the exertion of constant engagement, with people, books, plans for the summer, current affairs, music, all finally hit me as I was sat watching the fields go past the window. The past three days had been relentlessly busy, cramming my work around a job trial, visiting family and the endless travelling to and fro which came with both, and as I was on my way home I felt totally sick of everything. At a point in the year when I have so many unavoidable responsibilities, I was suddenly overwhelmed by the desire to be entirely still and ignore everything. To curl up somewhere with nothing to distract me or remind me of the things I should be thinking about. I've lost interest in having opinions or coming across as clever, or trying to make other people like me. I want to be surrounded by aimless, comforting things. I want to be disengaged, silent, weak and passive.
Maybe one of my favourite photos I've taken on my phone. I was sat next to a sports field waiting for my mum to pick me up and the sky looked huge and dramatic
In terms of milestones, I had a technically major one a few weeks back when I managed to drag myself out a mental hole and vote for the first time ever in the general election which felt really good until the results came out and it turns out we're going to be run by empathy-less reptiles for 5 more years.
|*pre-voting apathy panic*|
My exams are in just over a week's time. I'm not sure how seriously I'm meant to take them. I don't think they count for anything this year but I don't particularly want to get thrown out before next year either. I'm absolutely dreading them, but focusing on the time afterwards. I get about five days of doing absolutely nothing, apart from maybe re-dying my hair, watching tv. After that, we have the end of year celebrations balls, which I ate rice for three weeks to save enough to buy tickets for, and for which I bought outfits which I have spent the past month gliding around in my room in. So I'm concentrating on what is beyond the exams to try and get myself through them, remembering the wise words of the log lady:
I feel like there are more things I want to say in this post, but I'm tired and this revision break has already been extravagant. I hope you're all ok. If you're doing exams; good luck! If you've finished them, I hope they went well, and whatever happens remember they absolutely are not a reflection of your worth as a human being.