it's summer!!! i've had a heat induced headache non stop for the past few days!!! I didn't know the backs of my knees could sweat!!!
well actually, the relentless heat is taking on/off breaks, giving me a chance to peel myself from the sofa, get stuff done and even treat myself to a leggings-and-jumper-dress-in-bed day, with my window open so i can hear the rain, with my brain cooled down from its melted stupor so I am in a position to assemble my thoughts on here. in an incoherent fashion. i haven't written anything, in any form, that I've lost the ability to properly articulate, or structure my ideas. I have lists, on my wall, in my diary, of tasks of varying importance ('buy a dressing gown' to 'get another job') which seems to suit my mindset at the moment. giving myself a series of easily completable, menial tasks, rather than long term goals. i put off all thoughts of 'improving myself' for the time being because it made me stressed, adding to the already suffocating set of non-self-imposed responsibilities. so I'm letting myself kick back, eat tins of mints, watch portlandia and read listicles.
I came home on the 20th of June, after a week of celebrations, which were good, although a complete break from my usual life routine and so also infinitely stressful. i haven't really been particularly busy since then. i find the relentlessly hot and infinite prospect of summer daunting and depressing, all these weeks for me to feel bad about not enjoying the sun and the time off when really I just want October to come around again, so i can start wearing coats and buying stationary. Despite, or maybe because of, this boredom i can't concentrate on anything for more than 15 minutes. I can't even bring myself to watch films, listen to music, read, passive tasks which i told myself i would be able to enrich my summer by doing if i couldn't bring myself to be active. but i've sunk to such a low depth of bored laziness which means i have to be constantly feeding my mind non engaging information; endlessly scrolling through social media, playing mindless iPhone games.
anyway. in between the days where it was too warm to do anything apart from eat ice cubes and watch tv in the basement, i have managed to achieve some stuff. primarily i went to the alexander mcqueen exhibition a few weeks ago. I would advise anyone who can get there to go (apparently it's opening by night now! i wish i could go again in the dark), even if you aren't into fashion in the slightest because it is truly magical. it had almost every important mcqueen related item. the kate moss hologram (my personal favourite), the reptile dresses from his final collection, the robot spray painted white dress revolving in the middle of the largest room, the armadillo shoes. also the exhibition is curated in such a way which reflects mcqueen's own extravagant presentation, showcased in his runways, from the enormous 'cabinet of curiosities', a huge room filled to the ceiling with designs and screens playing his shows, a wood panelled room with the widows of culloden dresses, and the huge gilt mirrors behind his darker designs. I didn't entirely follow how the collection was organised and ordered (around themes in his work I think?), but the beauty of mcqueen's designs, and the sheer quantity of important pieces in the collection were enough for it to be an incredible experience. I felt really sad to leave, because however long i spent in there i don't think i would have felt was long enough. however, as a small comfort, in my post-viewing browsing i found that vogue has a photo gallery of pretty much every bit of the exhibition, which was a small comfort.
it brought up all the 'beauty is terror' concepts as well which i enjoy. the idea that something really beautiful is something you can't stop staring at, that element of fear, danger, awe which elevates something above being just 'pretty', and keeps you transfixed.
apart from that, i fell my state of mind can best be expressed through things i have been reading and taking pictures of. my thoughts and feelings are v empty, aside from the endless internet articles i have been reading, which i haven't been able to form opinions, or an overriding narrative on so here they are ->
- things i appreciated. a lot, which i had open in tabs for around a month for inspirational/mood lightening purposes.
- a thing i felt i sort of a bit related to, in a way
- rose mcgowan. still amazing. has no time for adam sandler's shit, even when it gets her fired from her agent. also has directed a sinister, bubblegum-hued short film.
i'm pretty sure this post has gaps in it, but if i recorded every single important thing which happened to me recently it would be unreadably long, and I'm tired. so here are a few pretty images my poor, dying phone managed to capture in reasonable quality.